Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
