theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
