It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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