Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
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