I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
zippers are such a cool invention
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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