So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
