another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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