anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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