We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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