FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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