How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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