Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
and she was petting her beer can
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
