bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
