I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
