I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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