Pregnant stripper...not hot.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
We need to get me chipped asap
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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