You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
