I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
