Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
