Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
