quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
