Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize