Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
