I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Randomize
