your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
