I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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