I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
