When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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