so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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