I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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