why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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