i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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