what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
