i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
