I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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