I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
