I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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