How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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