Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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