Don't make out with my wife yet
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
