that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
it's great music for shaving your balls
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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