You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
