We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
