You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize