I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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