I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
