My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
