two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
