I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
