this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
splinters make it hard to masturbate
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
