Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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