I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Randomize
