So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize