Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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