Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
