the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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