Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
