Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Green mimosas i think yes
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
