his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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