Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
