Nicole vs. Life
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
