My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Dicks are not precious.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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