while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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